Have you ever gone into a store for some toothpaste and found yourself staring at a wall of different choices, baffled, wondering which is the best, which will keep me out of that dentist's chair for the longest time?  Perhaps you wonder, which will make your teeth the brightest, which one will will keep my breath smelling toothpaste-ily wonderful for the longest period of time.  Anybody out here do that?  Sometimes that toothpaste wall can make me want to go hide.  Sometimes I just close my eyes and pick and hope for the best.

Well, recently I find myself staring at the toothpaste wall of paganism and wondering if rampant consumerism hasn't gotten the better of me.  Don't get me wrong I love having choice but I have to admit to feeling a bit overwhelmed, not just some of the time, but all of the time.  I am writing this in hopes that some poor soul out there can relate and can give me a buzz saying, "Nope Circe girl, it isn't all in your head, I feel that way too sometimes."  I have been on my path officially for over three years now, I know the business end of an Athame from a cauldron.  I can talk somewhat intelligently about the uses of certian herbs, some of that attributes of certian crystals, I have read too many of the 101 books.  I can draw a circle, call the corners.....I even know what Widdershins means!!!  (I love that word!)  I know I want a nice balanced faith, and overall I feel that I have that, problem is where do you go from here?  I have always loved theology, learning about different religions and different schools of thought about deities.  I want some real theological thought from our Elders.  I want something to sink my teeth into.  (Yes, the toothpaste references just keep going......groan with me now.) 

Part of the trouble is that I am all alone on this path, but, part of that is by choice, almost everyone that I have seen around here that publicly acknowledges their faith are dripping in pentagrams and throwing off negative energy like other people might throw confetti that is, admittedly, a bit off-putting to me.  I stay away if they are young, (basic common-sense here), if they have long greasy hair and a trench coat, I stay away if they have extreme goth make-up.  It may be rude but I want a path that a run-of-the mill member of society can follow.  I don't want the latest teen fad, I am 32 years old, I have out-grown that.  I get discouraged that so many of our adherents are are what my archeology prof would call "marginal," someone on the outskirts of society, someone who doesn't quite fit in.  Admittedly some of our charm is that we don't care what others think, but on the other hand it can do us a disservice, I ache for us to be taken seriously but with Hollywood spreading misinformation and many of our own young ones acting so anti-social we have a lot of work to do before that can truly happen.  Every great movement starts with the marginal members of society, the ones who aren't afraid to step out of the box, but I truly believe our movement is no longer at the start and no longer marginal and yet many of us act like it is.  *sighs*

Now besides that problem, I also have the toothpaste problem.  I am told, "It will just come to you."  Well, it hasn't, I don't know which pantheon is right for me.  I have read enough "mythology" to know that not all these Gods and Goddesses are real happy with each other and mixing some of the Pantheons without doing huge amounts of research sounds disrespectful at best and dangerous at worst.  So when I voice these concerns I am told, "No big deal, Circe my girl, they are all the same thing anyways."  Okay, I can understand that, somewhat, but I am afraid that Aphrodite and Hecate might be offended by that notion.  I know that there are polarities, and we need a balance of light and dark in our world and in our lives, it helps things grow.  But this whole choosing a few patron Gods or Goddesses seem beyond me somehow.  Do I beleive that that they are faces of one or do I believe in the separate deities themselves?  And can I bring myself to do both on some level?  I don't know.....I don't know who to go to about this.  This isn't covered in these books I keep finding.  And if it is, it seems very muddled and rushed through, like not even the author can figure it out.  Yes, my dears, I only want all the answers to all the theological questions posed throughout the span of time and space..........*Sighs*  Okay never mind that, I would really like a bunch of super intelligent Pagans, who have done years of study printing their findings so that I can wrap my head around this stuff.  If anyone has any reading suggestions..........PLEASE send me a message. 

In the meantime I will keep pulling deities off the shelf and hope that I choose the right ones, the ones that strengthen me and keep me from harm and help me grow on this path called life.  Until then I will continue to close my eyes and guess, both in the realm of the Gods and Toothpaste.